Puffity Puff Puff
by PopMuzika
Summary: Brittany desperately wants Santana to quit an addiction she has. How far will Brittany go to make that happen? And is it possible?
1. But But But

I want to thank everyone who is following my other Brittana fiction "Interruptions." I will be updating it before too long but I thought I would start this one as well. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it!

* * *

**Puffity Puff Puff**

_I love this very much._

_It's my favorite thing in the world...Okay, second...Oh fuck, third..._

Please don't tell her that I counted it as more important than her. I'd be in the dog house until I was grey. At one point however, she loved it too. Just as much as me. We bonded over it. In fact, it's how we met...I had it and she needed it and I gave it to her...Then you know...we did the logical thing and fucked. A lot. Everything from that point on was blissful! We fell deeply in love and moved in together. She was funny and sweet and smart and things couldn't have possibly been better. It was all fantastic until one fateful day...the day she decided...

"I can't do it anymore."

"What?"

"You heard me. I can't do it anymore. I'm done. It's over."

"But you love it. WE love it! It's our THING!" She rolled her eyes.

"Our THING is KILLING us! WE have to start thinking about the future and you know it." This is where she lost me. _Future? Who cares about that? I want satisfaction NOW!_

"But but…"

"No buts! I am done and I really hope you will join me in this decision."

"So basically, because you've decided it's not for you anymore; you're demanding that I stop too."

"No, I'm just hoping you will join me on this journey. In this new phase of my life. Because I love you and I want to walk all important paths in life while holding your hand. This is a big change for me and I really want to know that you are there by my side every step of the way. Besides, I'm not the only one who got carried away. You know you've gotten pretty….dependant on it as of late…"

"Seriously? I'm fine, I don't know what you're talking about." I folded my arms defiantly.

"Fine, don't quit." She shrugged. "But," She pointed at me with authority. "do NOT do it around me."

That is how things went at the beginning of her discontinuation of what I considered to be a fun and relaxing hobby. But then she started to get more and more demanding about the whole thing. She got to the point that she would say weird shit that I couldn't even fathom.

"No. Stop."

"But but..."

"No, I mean it. I said no so please STOP." My hands removed themselves for their preferred location aka her boobs.

"But WHY?" She was silent for a painful moment before finally telling me her reason.

"You smell like ass."

"WHAT?!" I sniffed myself. "No I don't!" Okay, I had a mild case of B.O. but I definitely wouldn't have classified it as 'ass.'

"I just can't when you do that...It's just not a turn on."

"You used to think it was fine! MORE than fine!" I winked suggestively. She shook her head solemnly in return.

"Well, I'm sorry but I don't anymore." I huffed and rolled away from her.

"I liked it better when we smelled like ass TOGETHER." I could feel her eyes making a circular motion.

"I'm sorry, I really am, but the smell bothers me now. I can't help it." I threw my hands in the air.

"You're impossible!"

"No, I'm not. The solution is simple. Just quit, it will make everything so much easier. You have no reason to continue anyway."

But I did. I liked it! My love for it had grown over the years. I had even found my favorite kind! We had BONDED! And she wanted to take that away from me! When you love somebody you don't take away things that they love from them. It's just not DONE.

"Well, you want to know what **I** don't like?" I rolled back over to face her. "I don't like how you are trying to change me. That's what I don't like."

"I'm NOT trying to change you!"

"YES YOU ARE! You KNEW the kind of person I was when you met me and I've never hid that from you. Maybe from the rest of the world but not you. You are PUSHING me to be something I don't want to be!"

"NO, I'm ENCOURAGING you to quit something that is bad for you!"

"But but..."

"Listen...I'm gonna be honest." She looked down at her hands for a moment and then back into my eyes. "With the way things are I am having a harder and harder time thinking about the future. The future I want with you. It hurts me to watch you slowly throw that away. To not even care that it hurts me. And…despite what you think, you are not invincible and I don't want to watch your world crash. Our world crash. It's not just a social thing for you anymore, you're addicted. And I'm giving you this intervention because I love you. Honey, you ARE out of control."

"No, I'm not! I don't even do it that much."

"Really?" She picked up a big carton on her night stand. "This was full last night and it's a third gone already. We could have gone on a vacation to Hawaii if you would have just quit."

"But but..."

"No buts." she wrapped her arms around me and held me in a warm embrace. "I want you to not only do this for yourself, but also for what could be a long amazing future together."

And then she said it.

"Santana...I want you to quit smoking."

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DUN DUN DUN! So is Brittany being reasonable? Should Santana just quit even though she likes it? Aren't you really just relieved that this story isn't about Jigglypuff? Okay, now you're probably disappointed that it isn't now that I mentioned it. Haha. Thank you for reading. I'm very much a fan of reviews. They make my heart go aflutter. Like what Santana feels when she sees a breadstick. :D


	2. Should I or shouldn't I?

"Santana…I want you to quit smoking."

And there it was. I thought I was gonna have a seizure. But I couldn't do that because if I did that would stress me out and then I'd need some more smokes...it's a viciously smooth cycle I tell ya.

_Please, this woman has a real knack for exaggerating my habit._

"I really don't do it that much though!"

"You smoke on the toilet."

"Oh come ON! Everyone does that!" She rolled her eyes for what seemed like the billionth time.

"You tried to smoke in the shower yesterday and didn't even try to hide it. You were like sudding your boobs while you stuck your head out the shower and puffed away. It was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen…next to when Lord Tubbington drove my car into a landfill when he was tripping on acid."

"Brittany…baby…my shower smoking is called MULTITASKING!" She slapped her forehead. "It's responsible time management!"

"Okay," She stated as if she were rising to the challenge. "What about that time we went to the movies and you smoked in the theater and got us kicked out? Hmm? Still normal?

"Umm…"

"Not only could you not even get through a two hour movie, you couldn't even wait long enough to walk outside to have a smoke."

"Well, that's because that whole situation is bullshit anyway! The characters get to smoke and I DON'T?!" I pointed to myself as if I were the wronged party. "I was the victim in that situation thank you very much and did you do ANYTHING to defend me? NO, no you did NOT."

"Fine Santana, If you wanna play dirty I'll play dirty." I was truly never under the impression that she wouldn't. It was one of the many reasons I dated her besides me loving the shit out of her and her kickass breadstick making skills. "What about a few years ago when you smoked in your dads hospital room after he had his triple bypass! You can't deny how fucked up that was. In fact, you are STILL banned from visitation at the hospital and that was four years ago!"

"So? They fixed his heart? Already fixed it! Like I was gonna hurt him! It was brand fucking new!" She sighed. "Britt, I LIKE to smoke and I don't want to quit. I mean, I didn't want you to quit but I didn't bitch about it constantly. I was supportive!"

"I was improving my health. You are fucking yours up. There's a huge difference so don't even try to compare the two. And you were NOT supportive! You constantly smoked around me even when I asked you repeatedly to stop! You also refused to get rid of all that Marlboro man shit! And you don't even SMOKE Marlboros. You smoke those horrible unfiltered Camels."

"Britt-Britt, it's not just shit, it's collectible shit."

"Oh for crying out loud! Stop making me have to be a naggy girlfriend!" A gave her a look that said 'Then stop being a naggy girlfriend.' The look I received back said 'You just earned yourself even more nagging smartass.' Had I not been so incredibly annoyed, I would have been intensely turned on. I had a long history of enjoying me some cursey pissed off Brittany. "I'm not okay with you smoking anymore. It bothers me on both deep and superficial levels. I don't like to kiss you, smell you, be anywhere near you…. The smell drives me nuts. I hate the way you behave when you need one, which is all the time. I hate the idea of the future repercussions...I just hate it. I love you, I really do but if you don't quit...I'm not sure I can handle this relationship anymore."

**"WHAT?!"** I literally fainted. _Can't handle the relationship? Because of my cancer sticks? Hmmm...maybe I should stop calling them 'cancer sticks' and 'emphysema makers' in front of her. Maybe if I had thought of that earlier this whole debacle wouldn't be such a mess. But she couldn't possibly break up with me over smokes could she? She had to love me more than she hated my smoking. She had to._

I woke up the next morning and here was my thought process upon doing so:

1) I need a fucking smoke.

2) Where is Britt-Britt?

3) I need a fucking smoke NOW!

4) Seriously!

5) I'm not even kidding!

So I got up feeling all kinds of shitty and searched the house for my smokes...

However...

They were missing.

All gone.

Even my secret stash...

"San, you cut out the middle of a dictionary and hid cigarettes in it? Do we suddenly not need to know H through O? Couldn't you have just gotten rid of M and N instead?... Or found an empty drawer?"

"Where are my SMOKES?"

"San…" I got right in her beautiful face.

"Don't play with me right now. I am NOT having it this morning. I will ask you again one more time very nicely. Do you know where my cigarettes are?"

"They're in the trash."

I ran like Ashlee Simpson at a fake nose breaking contest. I hopped down four flights of stairs, stopped to take a huge deep breath…took a few more steps…then took a slight wheezing break, and then ran down to the road and dug through the apartment complexes dumpster.

"Where are they? Where are they?!" I searched frantically. I was in chain smokers hell.

"Do you see how pathetic you look?" She had clearly just come down to mock me. Whatever, I was going to get my nicotine no matter how much she made fun of me or judged me. It didn't matter. Nicotine was my friend and I had always been a very faithful person to my close confidants.

"WHERE ARE THEY?!" I spat out venomously.

"Look at you. You never talk to me like this." Her disappointment could have been heard from Mars.

"AND YOU never touch my cigarettes now do you?!" Doing this to me was like poking a stick at a fire breathing dragon. "JUST TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!"

"They're in there." I hopped in the dumpster. No dirty diaper or week old sub was gonna stop me from the smooth satisfaction of my unfiltered Camel cigarettes. Wasn't happening. But then I saw it. The worst possible thing one could see in this scenario.

"WHAT. THE. **FUCK?!**"

She had done the unthinkable.

She had killed my cigarettes.

Yes, assassinated them.

All dead.

I was dating a mass murderer.

"You drenched them in WATER?!"

"I knew you would do this." She shook her head sadly. I looked at the poor ciggys with both sadness and pity. They never even had a chance to be smoked. Life was just not fair! "Listen, I know the idea is scary and it's really hard to quit. I've been there, trust me. But I will be helping you the whole way! Once you do it, I promise you will thank me. I promise I only want what's best for you Santana." I got out of the dumpster and unglued the smashed Big Mac from my sleeve.

"The whole idea stresses me the fuck out Brittany. I need a cigarette just thinking about it."

"Santana, you are fidgeting."

"I need a fucking cigarette you crazy woman! OF COURSE I'M FIDGETING!" I was getting really exasperated with her; which was a whole new feeling for me. I never got tired of Brittany, EVER. But in that moment for the first time I felt like she was the enemy. Never had Brittany been the cause of my misery, and it scared me.

"I'm crazy? You're over here dumpster diving for sticks that slowly KILL you! I think we know who the crazy one is here! Not even Lord Tubbington would have done this when he still smoked. I mean if he can quit, so can you." This was gonna be a hard ride if I didn't just go with the flow. Big changes scared me and she knew it. In that moment instead of thinking with my libido like I typically did; it was the nicotine speaking. It was telling me to say whatever I needed to say to get her to let me have a smoke. The result was this masterful display:

"Let me just have one last one!" I kneeled on the ground and hugged her legs "PLEASE?!" This was not a time for pride; it was a time for results. "You know it's the right thing to do!" I busted out the puppy dog eyes. "PLEASE? Honey, just one? PLEEEEEASSSSE?!"

**-Twenty minutes later-**

"Oh how I love you, how I've missed you! The way you make me feel baby...Oh dear LORD the things you make me feeeel!"

"You don't even talk to me like that." The disgust was evident on Brittany's face.

"Do you stimulate my nicotine receptors? I think not!" I returned to leering at the burning stick.

"Could you at least put out the candles and turn off the Berry White? It's really disturbing. It's like you're seducing the cigarette."

"Me and tobacco had a long affair Brit. So excuse me if I'm having trouble letting go! Let me have this moment in PEACE woman!" She rolled her eyes.

"Exactly my point," I gave her a quizzical look. "I'm getting pretty tired of you cheating on me with fucking burning sticks that give you emphysema."

"I'd stop cheating on you with them if you would, I don't know?! Sleep with me, maybe!"

"And you know DAMN good and well that I'd sleep with you if you would STOP SMOKING!" She grabbed my cigarette and stomped it out in the ashtray. "You. Are. DONE! I will hear no different. This house is now a smoke free zone. You will not smell like ass anymore, and that's the end of it. If not, you will be living in that dumpster with your beloved cigarettes." I suddenly related to when Brittany told me years ago 'I'm mad at you but you're still so hot.' because…I could never say it enough times. Angry Brittany was hot…even though I wanted to light her on fire as much as I wanted to light up a cigarette. Okay, not quite that much.

**-The next day-**

So the girlfriend was saying all that bullshit about quitting cold turkey and whatever...but I enjoy chemicals. They are fun. So I decided I needed a little help. I got that gum stuff. Now here's the thing with the gum... it tasted like stale vomit. However; to my surprise, it said it was 'mint' flavored on the box. I assume that was sarcasm? Really, it tasted like a different four letter word. A word in relation to feces.

Brittany came home from her job at the Lima Times and immediately came into the living room; where she saw me sitting there watching TV. She then sniffed around for a bit which made her resemble our dog Carlos. Brittany proceeded to sniff her way over to me. She then sat down beside me, gave me a kiss on the cheek and returned to sniffing my hair and down my neck...

"Maybe I'm hiding them here." I pointed to my crotch.

"Ha-ha-ha." She rolled her eyes. "Besides, you know that Lord Tubbington was the world's only smoking pussy."

"That's an irrefutable fact."

"So…" She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "I take it you haven't smoked at all today?"

"Nope, smoke free. You should be proud."

"I am…Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Well, I did happened to notice the six empty boxes of Nicorette gum sitting here on the table. I think you may have developed yet another addiction."

"I am not addicted to that gum! It tastes like SHIT!"

Yeah, shit that I couldn't stop chewing.

**-Three days later-**

"You HAVE to stop chewing gum immediately!"

"But, my girlfriend is gonna KILL me if I start smoking again *pop* and this is the only thing *pop* that has helped me stop!"

"Miss Lopez, your jaw is going to fall off if you keep this up!"

"What do you *pop* know about *pop* anything?!" He pointed to a wall that had about fifteen plaques on it.

"I am your DENTIST! It's my JOB to know! And didn't you just hear your jaw popping? You have to stop immediately!"

SOOO, I went to the grocery store to find something else to distract me from my love of smoking. That desire of course led me to the beer aisle.

"Maybe if I'm totally plastered I won't even think about smoking!" I said aloud to myself. I decided to keep that on the list of 'probable solutions' even though smoking and drinking really go together. I made my way through the store trying as hard as possible to not look at anything that could remind me of cigarettes...It was painfully difficult. I eventually got to the medicine area and looked around and then eureka! I discovered something I hadn't tried yet! Hallelujah! This would fix everything!

Right?

**-That night-**

Okay...maybe not...

"San?..."

"Yes, sweet sweet treasure?" She squinted at me suspiciously.

"Why are you wearing so many layers?"

"I'm cold."

"It's August and I am sweating and I am ALWAYS colder than you! What are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything Blondie."

"Do not make me do it Santana." She squinted and I knew exactly what she was thinking.

"You wouldn't."

"I would." She crept closer to me while nodding in a slow and menacing manner.

"No no don't do this..."

She did...she tickled me. I surrendered faster than Paris Hilton against Einstein in a game of chess. She then removed the three shirts I had been wearing to find...

"HOLY SHIT!"

"It's not as bad as it looks..."

"You're like one big rash! Have you put anything on this?"

"No, could make it worse."

"Well, it might help if you weren't wearing like a billion nicotine patches!" Okay, so my entire arm was covered with them but I had a fucking fifteen year habit! Do you know how much nicotine it takes to fuel all this Snixness?! Do you have any CONCEPT? I didn't think so.

"We need to take these off right away."

"But then I'll need to smoke!"

"Santana Lopez!" _Fuck...the full name._ "I will take all these patches off and call the doctor and you will not smoke and that's the end of it!"

"Can you at least get me a box of that horrible tasting gum?"

"HELL NO!"

"You're impossible!"

"Will you just shut UP?! Quitting smoking is hard but you are making this fucking absurd!"

"You're the absurd one! Why can't I just downsize and just smoke less and less until I've stopped?"

"Because you won't. I know you." _Stupid girlfriends blasted knowledge of me._

"Fine! What the fuck ever! I'm so exasperated with this bullshit... I need a CIGARETTE!"

"Okay, fine." She got up and retrieved her purse and pulled out a few twenties. "Go wild."

"What?"

"Have fun, go buy some 'black lung producers' as you like to call them... " She rolled her eyes. What? I thought it sounded nice. "Come back, go into that weird head space you go into when you smoke and puffity puff puff."

"Puffity puff what?"

"Just take the money, you know you want to. I on the other hand am going to take a nap. See you later tonight." She kissed me on the cheek and walked down the hall that led to our bedroom briskly.

I could only think one thing...

This

Was

A

Trap.

Had to be. I was going to get my ass handed to me if I actually went out and fulfilled my need. So I didn't go anywhere, I just fidgeted and had daydreams about a beautiful camel coming to save me. I was however, taken out of my wonderful dreamy state by a knock on the door that I knew must have belonged to our doctor . He ended up giving me some shit that smelled like fishes ass and said to rub it on my arm three times a day. _If Brittany hates the smell of smoke_...That gave me an idea.

I tiptoed into our dark bedroom. The view I got upon entering irritated the crap out of me. She was sleeping peacefully and I really REALLY didn't really like anything about that. I hadn't gotten a good sleep in ages and the times I did all my dreams had been about cigarettes in some way. The other night I had this horrifying dream where I was fucking the Marlboro man...and I actually liked it. But do me a favor and don't tell Brittany. She'd never let me hear the end of it.

SO, I decided to do the only thing any person would ever do in this situation.

I put my stinky arm right in front of her face...her reaction was rather violent. It involved shoving me away as well as a few dutch expletives I typically only heard come out of her mouth during sex. "WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT?!"

"Fish ass."

"WHAT?" She turned on the nightstand light and robbed her eyes groggily. "It smells worse than that time Lord Tubbington had a yeast infection."

"I'm glad to know you think so because I will be smelling like this for the next week; thanks to you. And you WILL be smelling it. All the time. This weird fucked up blistered red rash covered body is a product of your shitty idea to quit smoking. When will you ever learn that it is more important to look good on the outside than on the inside?"

"OH please! I didn't tell you to put fifteen patches on the same arm...Seriously Santana, get your foul limb away from me."

"But don't you want to cuddle? I feel so UNLOVED lately." I wrapped my funky arm around her and nuzzled into her neck.

"Get the fuck off me."

"Nope, can't. Too enraptured in all your sexy."

**-Six minutes later-**

For reasons completely incomprehensible to me, I had been demoted to sleeping with the dog on the couch. He liked to sniff my ass and it was just the slightest bit distracting. But sadly, it was not enough to distract me from the fact that I was shaking like a gigolo at mass from my nicotine withdrawals. Therefore, my attempts to sleep had been rather futile.

And come morning time...

I was greeted with something MUCH…

MUCH worse.

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OOOOO! What will happen next? *is on edge of seat but the falls off* Thank you to the readers and the lovely reviewers thus far. I love reviews. They give me the same feeling Brittany gets when she goes to the petting zoo. warm fuzzies. :D


	3. The Side Effects Are Always Worse

...I was greeted with this bullshit:

"I've brought you soup!" Brittany proclaimed in a nauseatingly far too cheery songsong voice. I loved my girlfriend; I truly did, but never in my life had I been more compelled to punch anybody. I really wanted to strike her. Affectionately of course...yeah...that's it. Anyway, she set the orange creamy matter in front of me and opened the blinds. I was immediately blinded by the evil sun. "Santana, it's noon. It's TIME to get up." My reaction to her was a long string of not even remotely coherent mumbles. "Honey, please get up."

"Why?"

"It's late, I don't want to see you waste your day and… I asked you to. I even did it nicely. See, I brought you food." She pointed to the bowl that had some sort of supposedly edible substance in it. One could never be sure with Brittany. Her history with cooking was patchy at best. I conceded because well, she's Brittany and I'd never had needed another reason to concede to her. But again, I'd appreciate if you didn't tell her that. She already knows anyway.

"God, I wish those were specks of wacky tobacky ….or any kind of tobacky. What is that shit anyway?" She gave me a 'You must be shitting me' look when she realized I was in fact serious.

"They are called bacon bits Santana, new invention." I was too tired to handle sarcasm. People please learn from this situation. Don't be sarcastic to humans in suffering. It's not nice.

"I don't need this newfangled bullshit!" I shivered, it was 90 degrees out and I was shivering...What had become of my life? "I am so fucking tired of these fucking sweating spells! Why is this HAPPENING TO ME?! Do I look like Oprah going through menopause?"

"No, you just look like a giant bitching rash." She deadpanned.

"You are REALLY helping my self esteem here Britt."

"You sing 'I'm sexy and I know it' in your sleep at least once a week. I think you're doing just fine for self-esteem."

"How would you know that? You don't sleep with me anymore."

"Oh I sleep with you. I just don't have sex with you; which you could easily change and you know that."

"But I've already quit!"

"One day is hardly quitting. When Lord Tubbington starts a new diet do you say 'oh yeah we should reward him with some cake' after just one day?"

"No, I say we should take the furball to Jenny Craig...or get him lipo."

"Your boobs are the last plastic surgery procedure that is going to happen in this family."

"But what about when I need to get them replaced?"

"That will be up to you."

"Oh so I actually would get to make a decision about what I want to do with my body on my OWN? What a shock."

"Santana, I know you are trying to get a rise out of me but it is not going to work. It's a beautiful day in my beautiful apartment with my beautiful girlfriend who insists upon being grumpy. But you know what? That's okay. I know this is hard but I am here for you every step of the way. Now, eat your soup." Like any whipped spouse would, I obediently dug into the surprisingly pretty good liquid meal while she fiddled with the TV remote. Eventually I grabbed it from her and turned the television on. The woman was good at a lot of things, but technology had always had a way of beating her. Of course like it was a sign from God, a quitting smoking drug commercial came on.

Change your life for the better take Cantox. The one drug on the market proven to help people take back control and quit smoking. Some people have had changes in mood, hostility, behavior, agitation, suicidal thoughts, and kidney failure, while taking or after stopping taking Cantox. Talk to your doctor about any cases of depression or other mental health problems which can get worse while taking Cantox. Some people can have allergic or serious skin problems when taking Cantox, some of them can be life threatening. If you notice swelling of the face, mouth, throat, or a rash stop taking Cantox and see your doctor right away. Cantox often causes vivid nightmares. Cantox's most common side effect is anal seepage. Use caution when driving a car. Talk to your doctor to find out if prescription Cantox is right for you.

"Sweet merciful shit! Let me just die of cancer!"

"I'm sure it helps many people…but not you. You're going all natural now aren't you?"

"But what if I become all wrinkly?"

"What?"

"What we were talking about earlier, that there is no more plastic surgery in this family. But what if I get all ugly and gross?"

"You won't, if you stop smoking for good that is. But even if you did get all wrinkly, you'd never be ugly or gross and I'd still love you more than anything in this world." She pecked me on the cheek. "Besides, your mom's still hot and she's like a thousand so I bet it runs in the family."

"Britt!"

"What? She is." We sat in comfortable silence for a few moments watching the TV.

"But…then why should I stop if you'll still love me? I mean one of these days you're going to give in. We all know about your libido Britt; you can't hold out for much longer and we're both aware of it." She sighed.

"Because watching the love of my life negatively affect her own health is exhausting Santana. I don't know if you've noticed but I've found it hard to have my typical bright outlook lately and it's because certain aspects of our relationship are making it hard. I feel like I'm constantly thinking about things so seriously and you're not thinking about them seriously enough and I'd like to get back to a happy medium. I'd like to joke again and while I know that I could in theory, it would be false. And I have a policy about being false with you. I'm not and I'm not gonna start now. I want you to stop, not for me. But for you and our future."

"Why couldn't you have just asked me to grow a third tit? Would be easier."

"If I thought you could do that I would have asked a long time ago. There's never enough tits."

"There's my Britt." I grinned and pulled her in for a her face in my bosom hug and patted the top of her head softly. "We'll get through this. Please just give me some time. I smoked a lot longer than you. It's just what people do in the heights. It's hard to take the heights out of the girl, you know?"

"I know baby, I'm sorry I've been so Bulgarian."

"You mean belligerent?"

"That's what I said." I nodded as if I must have heard wrong.

"You mean the best."

"Because I want the best and I want the best because you are capable of the best. I would never want you to be stuck below your amazing potential Santana. Unicorns are capable of brilliant things and sometimes I think you forget that and maybe...Sometimes, I push you too hard instead of encouraging you and for that I am sorry." I kissed the top of her head.

"Let's not waste time being sorry. Let's just make each other happy. How about it?" Look at that line. Look at that game that spilled out of my mouth. That mumbo jumbo sounded like some romantic shit straight out of the movie 'Love Story' because it didn't make any sense whatsoever. But I knew that romance was not what was going to get her to remove her pants and stop nagging me. I had to give in. I had to for good. I had to quit smoking.

**-Two and a half months later-**

We took my advice and stopped wasting time on being sorry and used it for other more productive things instead.

"Fuck, baby take it off! TAKE IT OFF!"

"You don't like it?"

"I hate it! OFF OFF!"

"Are you sure?"

"YES."

"SO, I can get rid of it?"

"Please PLEASE get rid of it." Brittany slowly peeled off my old vintage Marlboro fanclub t-shirt and threw it in the fireplace. "I like this view way better anyway."

"And why is that?"

"Some cartoon dude on a horse isn't obstructing my few of your tits."

"Any other reasons?" She straddled my lap on our bed and shoved me so I'd lie down.

"What's happening right now is pretty awesome too." She nodded with a dirty smirk on her face.

"You know what else is pretty awesome?"

"What?

"I can smell you."

"Well, I think you can always SMELL me when sitting on me..."

"No, I mean I can **SMELL** you. Your arousal, I can smell it and I've never been able to smell it over your smoker stench. It's sexy. It makes me think of sexy things."

"And what things might those be?" She leaned down and whispered in my ear.

"I want to.." Filth flooded into my ear canal. "And I'd like to stick my…" More whispered filth. "In your…" More. "And then swirl my…" Again with the filthy whispering. "While you scream so loud that we get fined for causing a disturbance...and then we'll do it again. I'd also like to get some ice cream."

"HOT."

**-An hour and a half later-**

"Come on baby, you have one more in you." She wasn't lying about that not walking thing...Oh, you didn't hear that part. That's probably for the best. You'd be passed out right now if you did. This situation was really out of control. I didn't even know they MADE strap-ons in this size. What I can tell you is that when I came my whole body screamed for joy. After I fell face forward onto the bed she slowly removed herself and then surprisingly pushed herself all the way back in.

"FUCK!" She gave my ass a playful tap or twelve before actually fully taking the fake appendage completely out. I let out a gasp because unfortunately there was no way I could take another round. I was pretty sure my clit was gonna fall of if I tried. Because Brittany seemed to be a mind reader, she decided to lay on top of me and push her perky breasts into my back instead of fucking me senseless for the fifth time that evening. I hummed in approval of her ingenious plan. "Mmm, I knew I was right." She lightly kissed the small of my back and it made me shiver deliciously like always.

"I've learned that you are always right in bed Britt."

"Mmmhmm." She rolled off of me and laid down beside me. I kept my face planted in my pillow whilst trying to recover. "And that is why we've been together for a decade. That and that you're like super hot...and I happen to be in love with you and stuff." I could feel her shrug as if the last part was an afterthought and I giggled that giggle I only giggled around her.

"You speak nothing but the truth." And then it happened. The unthinkable happened. No, not that Tubby Mctubberson finally lost weight. Slightly more believable than that.

"Umm Britt, is that what I think?"

"Just enjoy the afterglow baby."

"But that's my favorite smell."

"Shhhhh honey."

"But you put me through all this shit only to.." She cut me off.

"It was fucking great sex babe. You understand." _I understand?_ **_I UNDERSTAND?!_**

"SO because the sex was incredible YOU get to have a cigarette?"

"You didn't see what your body did when I went all we way in. You'd have a cigarette too after that view….and after hearing those sounds…and dat ass."

"Damn right! I would if you would fucking LET ME!" I turned over to view her taking a drag.

"You're an addict. You can't have just one. You'll go back to smoking three packs a day right off the bat. I'm having one cigarette in four months. It's not going to kill me."

"Someone is rationalizing and it's not ME for once!" She gave me a pointed look while putting her hand through her hot newly fucked hair. "...and Christ you are super fine but you're a humongous, outrageously huge hypocrite!"

"Am not."

"Are too, you're gonna be back up to a pack a day in NO time."

"I will NOT."

"Sure you will if we keep having this amazing sex. And we will keep having this amazing sex because I am NOT going back to smoking. I have so much more energy and my nails, breath, and hair are nicer and you just love to tug on it and when you tug on it I get all wet and then you just want to put your face in my..."

"OKAY. FINE." She stomped it out in the tray. "You win."

"WHAT?"

"You heard me."

"Oh, but I don't think I did." What? I didn't win a lot of arguments in my relationship. I deserved to hear it again.

"Continuing on this way is going to force me to have to punish you Santana." She gave me a 'Don't try me' look. I really had found the sexiest woman ever hadn't I?

"And what exactly would that entail?"

"Say something else and find out." I daringly stared her down.

"Something else."

"That's it." She grabbed me and put me on top of her. "IF you have so much energy. Ride it. Ride it hard and deep." She lifted me up so the tip of the fake member was touching my entrance teasingly.

"Jesus Britt! So hot!" I was tempted to try but it just was a no go. "But...I'm afraid I'm done for the evening." She loosened her grip, I climbed off her, and flopped back down beside her gracelessly. "I want to; trust me, I **WANT TO**. But the body just can't handle nasty rough sex right now babe."

"Then I suggest no more smartass comments from you." Suspicion started to enrapture me almost as much as her sexy. Something was off here. This wasn't like Brittany. I mean sure, I had always had a thing for irritable Brittany because for some reason I found it super attractive but there was something else going on. Something very questionable.

"You know, I was defensive but NEVER this defensive about my habit."

"I happen to remember you dumpster diving for wet cigarettes and then mourning their loss with a midnight vigil." I simply smirked as a response. "What?"

"I can't believe it."

"What?

"You..." I dramatically pointed at her. "started smoking again."

"WHAT? Yeah, right!" She shook her head like I was insane.

"You did. I think you were telling me to stop but you were secretly sneaking smokes. IN FACT! I bet the smokes of mine that you didn't kill, you ended up smoking yourself."

"You're out of your mind."

"You're not saying no now are you? And let's not pretend we both don't know that you can't lie to me."

"That doesn't mean I wasn't still right." We both stared at each other heatedly for a second. Finally she sighed and put her hand through her hair again. "I'm sorry. I really am but...I guess I was just over confident."

"Baby."

"What?" She asked in an exasperated fashion.

"It's okay."

"No, no it's not. It's everything but okay."

"It's not but it is. It's like that Whitney Houston song."

"I Wanna Dance with Somebody?"

"No Britt, but listen. It's not right but it's not the end of the world okay? I understand. It's hard. We all have missteps here an there. For instance, sometimes I STILL have a hard time with my feelings but you help me with them now don't you?" She nodded humbly. "With that being said, I don't wanna date a smoker so you know, I'm sorry to say but you're gonna have to quit again."

"But..."

"No cigarette butts. Just your ass….and my ass. Our asses together baby. That's the dream." I smirked at her.

"You're such an asshole."

"You love me."

"I do. More than anything."

"So, will you quit again?"

"Depends."

"On?"

"Will you marry me?" And I fell out of our bed.

"**WHAT?!**"

"San" She peered over the edge of the mattress. "I started smoking again because I've been stressed about asking you to marry me. After you quit I knew this was the perfect time to start a new phase in our lives and then I fucked it up by going backwards myself. And I'm SO sorry for lying to you but I wanted to keep my plans to ask you a secret. But, I want to know...I have to know…I NEED TO KNOW. Will you make me the luckiest woman in the world? Will you marry me Santana Lopez?"

"You know, this is going to be a great story to tell our future children."

"Only if you say yes it is...and you want children?"

"Yeah, do you?"

"I've dreamt of having children with you for years."

"Can you quit smoking by our honeymoon?"

"Santana you still haven't answ.." I cut her off.

"Just answer my question first please." She took a deep breath and sighed.

"I'll try my absolute hardest."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Well then Brittany, I'd prefer to be addressed as Mrs. Pierce from now on." Her lip crashed onto mine in a passionate kiss that left us both breathless and panting. Then without a word, she got up in all her naked glory and moved the giant oil painting of DOTS candy in our bedroom and leaned it against the wall. Behind the painting was a safe I didn't even know existed. Brittany opened the safe, pulled out a velvet fuzzy box, and then opened it. I was immediately hit by the blinding sparkle of only the biggest rock I'd ever seen in my life.

"I'm very glad to hear that…" She knelt down beside me and slid it on my finger. "Because I fucking like it."

* * *

OH OH OH OH OH OH. Sorry, was having my own single ladies dance party here. :D This was the final chapter! Thank you for reading! Please do leave a review if you're feeling generous. It's very Brittany like to be generous. :D

I shall be continuing "Interruptions" (I'll have a new chapter up soon) and will be starting a new long form fiction eventually too. It will be a while before that one is posted because I want to be able to update pretty fast. Thanks again guys!


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